Today has been an absolute BEATING. I shun you, Mother Nature, for postponing the Texas Rangers championship hopes until tomorrow. Don't you realize that tomorrow is our bi-monthly potluck dinner, you inconsiderate bitch? When I moved into my current apartment, they did not offer Uverse, so I never got around to getting cable. Fast forward to today. I'm supposed to be hosting said potluck tomorrow, yet I don't have Fox. Being the clever gal that I am, I decide rabbit ears shall be my saviour. $25.64, 30 minutes I'll never get back, and I still have nothing but white noise. UGH. Where's a man-friend when you need him? (#firstworldproblems)
Anywho, thats not the point. My parents have been watching my 3-year-old boxer/lab mix for the past few weeks while I've been taking the tour of Texas for work. After a much-needed cut and color with my best gay, Salvador, I check Facebook this afternoon and see this photograph posted on my dad's page with the caption "We were involved in an accident today." :
Um, EXCUSE ME?!? My precious child was involved in an accident and I was not notified immediately?? Naturally, I overreacted by posting some things I shouldn't have about irresponsible grandparenting on my dad's post and blowing up his cell phone trying to get to the bottom of my son's injury. He finally answered and told me that Miller suffered a ruptured disc from a fall or something of that nature. I started to panic, of course, and asked question after question. Jokes on me because he cut me off by saying, "Shannon. Have you EVER seen a DOG wear a chiropractic brace like that? I found it in a closet and put it on him. It was funny." Thanks Dad.
Like most parents, my mom carries a photo album of her children in her wallet. She has also been known to show every single age-appropriate male she comes across the photos of my sister and I. Her favorite being the one when I was a junior in college, coordinating a World AIDS Day event, and talking face-to-face with Bono from U2. I digress. Today was no exception. I received a text from her this afternoon containing a photo of her and 3 younger men with the caption, "My trainees!" Neat? I've told you before - I don't care about your work people, Mom.
S: "The guy on the left looks like Chaz Bono."
Mom: "I know! He's super funny! Kind of like Chris Farley!! The other guy is verrrry good looking. 27 and from NYC. Reminds me of your brother! I showed him your pic. He said you were welcome to visit him in NY anytime!!!!"
S: "Of course you did."
If this was the first time she was remotely trying to set me up, that would be one thing. Unfortunately, this is the 134098375-2367235986235th time shes texted me a picture or Facebook profile of a random guy she met at work, travelling, etc. She thinks I'm going to die alone. In fact, she once told me - verbatim - "I hope you'll find someone someday to love you." Thanks? I'm just going to completely ignore the fact that she compared a potential suitor to my brother, by the way. Yuck.
Also, the amount of punctuation in her texts is a bit excessive, don't you think?
SM
0 comments:
Post a Comment