Facebook Creepers : An Epidemic

I admit it.

I’m addicted to the wonder that is Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg, while a complete douche, is an absolute genius. A single place where you can reconnect with long lost friends, share pictures, virtually babysit your kids (looking at you, mom), and start fights about everything from college football to politics. Democrats are better! No, Republicans are better! WAR!

My kind of place.

While the platform was intended to be a space for friends to communicate online, there is one very prominent percentage of users. You know ‘em. You hate ‘em. The Facebook Creeper.

This is what I imagine you look like:

Hi - get a hobby. You have one, you say? I meant OTHER than scouring my pictures and adding my friends to be your "friends." You met them for 4.7 seconds - possibly an exchange of names and/or handshake - at a bar, social gathering, wedding shower, what have you and all of a sudden you're blowing up their phones/inboxes making plans to hang out? Personally, I think a straight man asking another straight man for his phone number on the first meeting is practically a social death wish.  Is it just me or is this type of behavior just absurd?

There are two very different theories that I have developed regarding the stereotypical Facebook creeper. A "why they are the way they are," if you will - and I will. First, nerd city. You literally don't have anything better to do. Plans tonight? Date with the Zuck. How embarrassing for you. I just googled "hobbies"  - why not try amateur astronomy, blacksmithing, or my personal favorite, spelunkering? You can borrow T's helmet, I'm sure. Second, and the creeper who inspired this post, is the textbook narcissist.  You are every girls dream man and you can do and say no wrong. When you are called on your outrageous behavior, you shift the blame onto everyone else, never accepting responsibility for your crazy.

Here is an excerpt of the FB chat (initials have been changed to protect the guilty. I'm S, of course):

S : (paraphrased to save time) Sometimes girls give their numbers to guy to be nice and/or get rid of them.
X : You know what? People need to be direct and say what they mean. That's how I was raised and what I'm used to. If people do that then there never is any confusion. Period. So tell your friends to work on that. You too.
S : Alright dude.
X : That's how I roll. But none the less thanks for telling me what u did. I won't contact them and ill work on not being so forward aka trying to make friends. (...20 minute hiatus...) So want to still go shoot guns with me? You need to get to know me better .

Michael C. Hall is my dream man, therefore, I watch Dexter. Chances are, I'm NOT going to shoot guns with someone who I just wasted 2 hours arguing with online. (I lost 15 cool points for doing that, by the way. Oh,  the joys of FUNemployment.) I don't feel like being shot and then chopped into pieces, thankyouverymuch.

Gentleman, here are a few tips that will help you with Facebook:

1. Do not, under ANY circumstance, immediately friend another man that you have just met.
2. Do not obsessively chat with girls on instant messenger when it is clear she doesn't want to "talk." I would rather read someecards or watch videos about cats then chat with you about your lame ass Wednesday.
3. Quit commenting on my hilarious posts. I know they are funny. My self-confidence does not require your 'like.'
4. If a girl gives you one word answers like "neat" or "cool" when you tell her about your new haircut or a new Longhorns hat - get a hint and take a hike.
5. Do NOT poke me. I don't know you.

FB Creepers = DISLIKE.

S