Reasons why Dallas > NYC

I just got back from a trip to New York to visit a girlfriend for her mini-bachelorette party before the super fancy black-tie wedding this summer in Omaha. (side note: currently seeking date to said black tie wedding. requirements: must look good in tux, killer dance moves, likes to party) We had a good time catching up and drinking too many martinis/eating too much pizza. I met a guy from Dallas in a pizza shop at 3:40am and was awoken by bagpipes 4 hours later. Only in NYC, I suppose.

pretty pretty. 

Here are my conclusions:

1. People are assholes - No one is nice. The only person who was nice to me while I was in town was the super fun gay at Michael Kors on Madison Avenue. Well, at first he hated me because I knocked over an entire display of sunglasses, but because I used my cat-like reflexes and caught them all, he began to warm up to me. Also because I'm sure he got some sort of commission off of my purchase. 
2. It smells. BAD - Sewage, BO, trash - yum! I thought I was going to barf when we were wandering through the Guggenheim and this horrible un-showered scent was lingering in the air. GROSS. 
3. No one speaks English - Maybe 6 people speak English. They were the ones following us through times square asking us if we like comedy shows, to which I told them "I hate laughing."
4. Trash EVERYWHERE - Its literally everywhere. This contributes to reason number 2. 
5. Being forced to check your jacket for a price. - True story. My girlfriend was forced to check her jacket in for $1. She told him she would just wear it and he wouldn't let her. Unreal. Its not like she was wearing a parka, asshole. 
6. Parking/Cabs/Transportation - I don't carry cash. I especially don't carry cash in New York City for fear of being mugged, which is a completely different problem in itself. This makes it incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to catch a cab because 99.999% of them refuse to run a credit card. What cheapskates! I think the credit card companies charge, what, 2%? Also, I'm convinced that anyone with a car can be a "cab" in NYC. I got tricked into paying some guy in a black town car 45 bucks for a 9 minute ride. I'm an idiot. 
7. Questionable "art" exhibits - A giant piece of couch cushion wrapped with twine is NOT ART. I want my $18 bucks back, Guggenheim.  
8. Geography - You cant just go to the bar next door. There is no bar next door. Its probably a dry cleaner or XXX video store or something.
9. Terrible gay bars - In Dallas, girls are encouraged to go hit up the gay bars - they're fun! This usually comes with a showering of compliments and free drinks from a bunch of tan shirtless men who are into other tan shirtless men. In New York, every gay is cranky as shit. "Um, what are you girls doing here? Maybe you should go elsewhere.." That actually happened. 
10. Tourists. Everywhere. - This has got to be incredibly annoying to locals. You can't walk across the street without tripping over someone who was too busy Instagramming and holding up traffic. 

Positive Takeaways:

1. How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying - A+! Great show. I thought I was going to punch the French dipshit kid in front of me, though. He had just bought himself a New York Knicks flat bill hat (see previous blog for my opinions on flat bill hats) and took the stickers off and stuck them to the wall of the theater. His French dipshit parents laughed about it and talked at a normal level throughout the show. 
2. Cornerstone Bar - Fabulous suggestion, Clay and Sara. I don't even know where it is, but the bartender was hot and they had karaoke where they brought the microphone to your table! Brilliance. I almost got the mic taken from me during my excellent rendition of "Man in the Mirror," though, because I would start having full blown conversations with random people - in the mic - while I was supposed to be singing. Also, the karaoke mediator was off-the-boat IRISH. Accent... swoon. 
3. De Grazia - I think thats how you spell it. We were given a few dirty looks when we walked in because we were not members of the Italian mafia, but the food was awesome. Highly recommended from this Texan. 
4. Lack of douchebags - I don't think I saw a single Affliction shirt! They were hidden beneath the thousands of "I <3 NY" hoodies, I'm sure. 
5. Stoli Doli's - Yes, we have a Capital Grille in Dallas, but the Dallas location doesn't have a cubby for PATRICK BATEMAN. 

While I had a great time with my girlfriends, let's just say I'm in no rush to get back to the Big Apple. I'm sure we just went to the wrong places, did the wrong things etc.. but I'm good (for the time being) in my clean beautiful Uptown.

love.

xo,
SM

Texting Hilarity

"I realize tweeting to you that we will be in town this weekend is probably douchy, so I'm now texting you to let you know I'm aware and please don't blog about me." - he/she who shall remain nameless.

xo,
SM

Sunday Funday

Why do I insist on treating my sabbatical as a debaucherous Saturday? How can I not understand the concept of "taking it easy" or "just one beer?"

That being said, SOMEONE has a case of the Mondays.

xo,
SM

Reasons Why I Don't Date

I had a date last night.  Unfortunately for me, this is a true story.

 

Preface: I've known this guy for a while, as he is a friend of a friend. He's an "actor" here in Dallas, which means he doesn't really act. Quite frankly, I'm not terribly sure what he actually does for a living. He posts his IMDB page on Facebook rather often, though. Does high school theater count as "acting?" I'm convinced some of those "roles" were made up. Anyway, he FB chats and calls me ALL the time. As a matter of fact, I have 7 unheard voicemails in my phone right now. He has been asking me to grab drinks/dinner for months now and I always blow him off - until last night when I got home from the gym received a text from him: "Hey, I just got back from NYC, lets grab dinner at Hacienda."

 

FINE. I told him I was in gym clothes and didn't feel like showering so he would just have to deal. Hacienda sounded good and I had nothing else going on, so why not. Notice how much I'm into this guy because I didn't even bother showering after a brutal yoga session for a first date. Go me!

 

 

Reasons I wanted to kill myself:

1.  Accessories:  He was wearing 3, count them, THREE rosaries. Important to note: He's Methodist. Also important to note: he told me he purchased said rosaries at Aldo. 
2.  Outfit choices, cont'd: He paired his "Don't Haiti" t-shirt (which I'm assuming is Hollister, circa 2001) with some plaid, burnt orange/mustard yellow cargo shorts and bright blue Vans.
3.  Questionable choices in head wear: He had a Yankees flat bill in the back seat of his car. Flat bills are not acceptable. Period. 
4.  Conversation: He talked about his male best friends custody battle for at least a half an hour. (The mother is on a Dallas-based reality show. Go figure.)
5.  Social media obsession:  He received at least 7 text alerts from Facebook. Probably more.

 

 After talking about himself for over and hour, he finally turned the tables and asked about my family - Great! An opportunity for someone else to speak! Or so I thought. I had been talking for maybe 2-3 minutes and the Rangers hit a grand slam. As I was talking, he literally picked up his phone and called his brother and proceeded to have a 5 minute conversation about the Rangers and his pregnant sister-in-law.

MIND.BLOWN.

 

I literally couldn't believe it. This guy who had been chasing after me for MONTHS is acting like this big of a douche? I digress. At that point, I started giving one word answers, staring at the TV, looking at my watch obnoxiously, and asking if its time to leave. "No way! I'm having a great time," he said. Ugh.

 

It got so bad that the owner of the bar, who had been staring at me intently for the past 20 minutes, walked over and asked me if I would like a drink. He must have seen my misery and felt sorry for me. Keep 'em coming, kind sir.

 

... back to the list...

1. Ex problems: He started talking about his ex-girlfriend because they had religion differences. He is horribly offended that she told him he wasn't a real man.
2. Personal space: He notices I am completely not paying attention, so he insists on moving to my side of the booth to show my pictures of his New York trip. "Here is a chipmunk... here is a fountain..."

me: " Time to go! Its getting late." (its 9pm)

 

He opens my car door and insists on walking me to my gate at my apartment.

 

me: "That is completely unnecessary."

him: "Is it wrong for me to want to be a gentleman?"

me:  "Why start now?"

him:  (not noticing my dig) "Shan, I had a great time. Let's make sure we do this again soon."

me: "Uh.. I don't think so.." (run upstairs)

 

Not ten minutes later, *ding,* "Hey Shan."

 

Block user on Facebook.

 

That, my friends, is why I don't date.

 

 

 

xo,

SM

 

Things that I hate with the fire of 10,000 suns (part deux)

Well hello there, you darling people, you. All 4 of you. I've been busy with work and drinking and what not, so I haven't been inspired to write anything lately. I have kept a running list in my car of tiny things that annoy the shit out of me, though. But Shannon, haven't you written something similar? Why yes. Yes, I have. You can catch up here. These are all new annoying things. 

Here goes...

1. People who don't return their shopping cart to the shopping cart corral - Hey lazy, you just dinged my Ford Taurus (work car - don't judge) with your inability to be polite. 
2. When my mom reads my texts/emails over my shoulder - What's more annoying: how she reads them (in general) or how she completely denies reading them? You decide. 
3. When my mom assumes that every guy I mention is my new boyfriend - Mom, I'm single. Get over it. Besides, if you actually knew the guys I hang out with, you would probably want me to stay single. Forever. 
4. People who don't wash their hands after using the bathroom - GROSS. Chances are, I just told everyone within earshot that you are a disgusting human being. Good luck finding someone to sleep with you tonight!
5. Celebrities who dropped out of high school, yet still make a shit ton more money than me - So much for my 4-year out-of-state tuition. Sorry, parents. If I had known I could be rich and famous simply by making a sex tape, I could have saved you a ton of money. You'd lose all parenting credibility, but at least I'd be RICH!
6. Text speak - You are (probably) an adult. Please, for the love of God, spell out your words. U R a moron. 
7. Girls who don't introduce themselves -  RUDE. When I am sitting with my male friends and you bounce up and plop down, pretending as if I don't even exist, I hate you. I thought we lived in Texas, the mecca for manners? Apparently not. 
8. Supposebly vs Supposedly - Where exactly are you getting the "b" from, William Shakespeare? Supposebly is not a word. I repeat - NOT a word. I have an English minor from the esteemed University of Nebraska, so that makes me certified grammar police. 
9. When people get in their car in a crowded parking lot and screw around on their phone for 10 minutes - Give me your parking spot, you jerk. Clearly, I've been waiting for you to finish up your Words With Friends game for at least 6 minutes. There is a line of traffic behind me, but I refuse to give in to their pressure to move forward. I must have this spot exactly 15 steps closer to the door of my intended establishment!
10. When you are in the car with someone and they are talking on their cell phone - In the words of Michelle Tanner, "how rude!" Talk to me - not your mom about what she had for lunch. Never mind. Just take me back home. 
11. Crotch rockets zipping through traffic - This is how people die, you douches. I wish a thousand speeding tickets upon you. 
12. Writing checks to pay for things at Target and/or grocery store - Who still writes checks? True story. I was at Target last week and this woman had had 3 different cards declined, so she wrote a check. Over/under on if that one bounces...?
13. Customer service reps who don't speak English - Dear God this is the WORST. Not only have I been on hold for 15 minutes, but now I have to deal with someone who I can't understand. Hang up and have a cocktail. 
14. People who don't say "thank you" or even acknowledge you when you hold the door for them - Personally, I enjoy holding the door for a person who is on the cusp of the "do I hold it open for him/her even though they are a little ways away?" That means they have to do the awkward hurry up and run to make it to the door so not to appear like a total jackass. This makes me smile. 
15. The phrase "I could care less" -  Could you? You could care less? So then whatever you are referring to must be bothering you, yes? Because if it didn’t bother you, you would say you “couldn’t care less” – right? 

In summary, MANNERS MATTER.

xo,
SM

Latest Greatest Obsession

I've always been a Beatles fan, but lately, I find myself listening to the Paul McCartney Pandora station 24/7. Without further ado, I present the swoon-worthy man of the day, Mr. Jim Sturgess. Le sigh.

The British accent. The voice. Date me?

If you like the Beatles, check out the movie "Across the Universe." Its trippy, but it really is amazing.

Happy weekend!

:(

I attended a pre-party for the Jonathan Tyler and the Northern Lights  concert on New Years Eve at a girlfriend's house. Because I was practicing walking around my apartment in my fabulous new 5-inch champagne-colored glittery stilettos, I was a little late to the soiree and decided to play catch up. While perusing through their liquor cabinet, (aka the freezer) I came across a delicious-looking bottle of double dark chocolate vodka. YES PLEASE. She tells me, "that was a present from Steve," our friend who currently lives in New York City. In his honor, I took a few dozen pulls from this beautiful bottle. Girlfriend snapped a photo. I sent it to Steve-O with the caption, "Look familiar?"

His response? "You look like Wednesday Addams."

New Years Resolutions : Get a tan. Lighten my hair. Get new friends.

My New Years Resolution - VOLUNTEER.

(ed. note: I generally write with a sarcastic and snarky tone, but for this post, I decided to get out the good word. I sent this in an email to almost everyone in my address book. Get off your ass, get out of the bar, and GO HELP SOMEONE!)

Its easy to "resolve" to lose weight, get a better job, be more punctual, etc. Why not help someone who needs it?

I've decided that 2012 is going to be the year that I really (try) to make a difference around this place! I've listed a few links to organizations I have contacted regarding volunteer opportunities. Some of you are not living in Dallas, but I encourage you to look at what is available in your community! Some organizations require x-number of volunteer hours, while others are much more flexible. You KNOW you have a few hours a week/month to donate. Too often, we forget how blessed we are. Next year, resolve to make a difference in someone else's life!

Service to Civilians: We are a group of volunteers focused on one mission: to provide whatever practical support is necessary to help US military service personnel transition to civilian life. For the time being, this support includes resume writing assistance, job hunting assistance, and mentoring. As we raise funds and resources become available in early 2012 we plan to have a central office location with a recreation center where veterans can network with each other, a fully functioning internet café, a call center which will both serve and employ veterans, and meeting rooms where veterans can meet regularly with organization leadership and mentors.

Dallas Children's Advocacy Center: The mission of the Dallas Children's Advocacy Center is to improve the lives of abused children in Dallas County and provide national leadership on child abuse issues. 

Texas Scottish Rite Hospital for Children:  Volunteers make Texas Scottish Rite Hospital for Children a special place for patients and families and are an integral part of the hospital’s daily activity. Though our volunteers’ backgrounds are diverse, they’re united in the desire to contribute their time and talents to our children and their families. Some of our volunteer opportunities include: Greeting patient families, Supporting our nurses, Assisting office staff, Entertaining children, Assisting with special events, Working in the gift shop, Giving tours, Assisting in the school room, Serving popcorn, and more.

Family Outreach North Texas: Through the efforts of trained and committed volunteers Family Outreach Dallas educates and strengthens families providing parent education classes, mentoring, early childhood parent education and child safety programs.

Make-A-Wish: Are you ready to bring hope, strength, and joy to wish kids in your area?  Volunteers play a vital role in the success of our mission. As a Make-A-Wish Foundation of North Texas volunteer, you are part of a unique group of individuals that get to help make wishes come true. Whether you would like to assist in the wish granting process, participate in fun community events, host an event to benefit Make-A-Wish, or promote special programs, we have a volunteer opportunity just for you! 

There are SO MANY MORE opportunities. Check out www.volunteermatch.com. 

If you decide this is for you, let me know. Maybe we can partner up and do it together :)

Happy 2012, all!

SM

Miller : Wonder Dog

You will NEVER believe what just happened. I'm still rather amazed. 

Someone get this dog a movie deal.

This morning, I woke up and took Miller on our daily morning walk around the neighborhood, as per usual.  I've been cleaning and doing Christmas clean-up around the house, so I wasn't paying too much attention to Miller consuming 2394847235 gallons of water. I noticed he had been pacing a little, but attributed it to the fact that I told him we were going to the park to hang with his chocolate lab beard, Lucy. (remember.. Miller is a gay dog.) His pacing was getting a little more furious, so I opened my 3rd floor balcony door so that he could calm himself by looking out over the pool fountains.

After I opened the door, I walked off to the kitchen, but turned around at the last minute to check on him. To my shock and awe, Miller was peeing OFF THE BALCONY.

Let me explain.

He pees like a girl, so its kind of a squat. He smashed himself up against the balcony railing, so not to get pee on my carpet, and went to town.

I have the most brilliant dog EVER.

McAnopoly

In typical Mac family fashion, we experienced a power outage over the Christmas break at my grandmother's house in Arkadelphia, Arkansas. (yes, there is a town called Arkadelphia and, yes, people actually live there.) Usually, our holidays are plagued by a devastating ice storm or two, flooding, septic system backup, or some other natural disaster. This year, however, lightning decided to strike a tree and knock out three power lines. My grandmother immediately went on the hunt for candles, lamps, and flashlights. The rest of us immediately started making cocktails.

After watching a transformer blow up and shoot smoke 30 feet in the air, I suggested we play Monopoly - it takes forever and keeps us busy. Plus, we are all very competitive by nature, anyway. Christmas generally includes a no-holds-barred croquet tournament in the backyard, but the rain thwarted that venture this go-round. Grandma don't mess around with games. She DESTROYS all of us at croquet. I think she secretly practices when we aren't around, though she would never admit it. I'll never forget the first time I learned how to play Texas Hold 'Em one Easter. My dad was coaching me how to play - which hands were good, which cards to throw away, when to fold, etc. That next week I got a phone call from G-Ma. "Hello, Shannon? Hi. I just wanted to tell you that you better be practicing Hold 'Em by yourself because your dad can't help you come Christmas." It must run in the family.

Back to Monopoly. I wanted to make things interesting. I know!! Every time you go to jail, you must take a pull from this bottle of chocolate whipped cream vodka.

And that's how McAnopoly was born.

Rant of the Day

I sell drugs for a living (legal ones, police officer readers.) I spend a LOT of time in hospital parking lots. This particular hospital in Plano has very few parking spots available unless you want to take a 2 mile hike to reach your destination. I'm refuse to walk even 0.2 miles in 4 inch heels if I can avoid it. I digress.

Because I live in north Texas, weather can be, shall we say, kind of a bitch. Today, we had what I will refer to as the Great Monsoon of 2011. It was kind of warm when I walked in to have lunch. When I left an hour later, downpour and a 20 degree drop. Point being - Physicians and staff alike don't respond well when I look like a drowned rat at work, so I was driving around in circles like an idiot for about 10 minutes until I noticed her in her blue Corolla with her lights on. Is she backing out of her coveted spot? Is she staying? WTF? Make up your mind lady!! And then I noticed it. A HANDICAP TAG.

Lady. Seriously. You have a handicap tag. There are FIVE handicap spots available. USE THEM. After my pelvis-shattering accident I used the crap out of my handicap tag. Take advantage of that shiz while you can and let us non-handicap people use the non-handicap spots!

GOOD DAY.

SM

Girl Trends that Need to STOP

PREFACE : I do some of these things, too. That doesn't make them ANY less annoying.

This makes me sad. 

1. Speaking in "abbreves" - Obvs I do this. I should probs stop, esp since my friend Will told me that I was "better than that" when using 'totes' in a sentence. I AM better than that, natch. Adorbs! Brillz! Ugh. I think I'm going to vom. 
2. "OMG!! This is totes MY song!"- Its a two-fer! Ladies, as hard as it is to believe, this song is probably NOT your song. Have you met the singer/songwriter? Have you had a heartbreaking relationship with said singer/songwriter? No? Well, I hate to be the be the bearer of obvious bad news... but I'm super glad you can relate. Nothing like a good cry to a sappy country song. 
3. 124978 Products in the shower - Hey, self. Remember that deal you made with yourself last week in the shower to use up all of the shampoos and body washes in your shower before you buy any new ones? Riddle me this - why did you just purchase 6 lotions, shower gels, and bubble baths at Bath & Body Works this week?
4. Making dogs wear clothes - Le sigh. My mom has a 2.4 pound teacup yorkshire terrier and yes, when it is cold outside, Lexi wears a sweater to keep her tiny body warm. This is the ONLY acceptable reason. If you dress your small dog as a ballerina, in a sundress, etc., I shun you. There is NO excuse to embarrass your medium-to-large size dog by dressing him/her up in clothes. They will (and should) resent you and possibly destroy your couch before you get home from work today. 
5. The kissy face/peace sign photos - Enough is enough. When is this going to end? It is not attractive. 
6. Facebook "models" / Self promotion - I don't really understand why people post photos of themselves (by themselves) for absolutely no reason. Does your ego really require that you get a thousand "OMG! You are sooo GORGEOUS!" comments? Perhaps you need a hug. I am a great hugger, so I've been told,  and will gladly offer my services! Exceptions: bridal portraits, family/maternity photos.This goes for the men, too. Cool photo of you, by yourself, in a tank top. I don't understand?  
7. A complete and utter lack of manners - Recently, I was working in San Diego and it was just lovely. Until I met a "lady" from New Jersey. She asked me to stop saying 'thank you' every time the waitress refilled my water/brought me something/etc because it was "obnoxious." Um, excuse me? This led to a discussion about 'maam' and 'sir.' She was shocked why I would refer to my dad as 'sir.' R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me. Furthermore, why is it OK for people to run me over in Hobby Lobby without an "excuse me" or, I don't know, an "I'm sorry for trampling you?"
8. Excessive use of emoticons or punctuation - Looking at you, Mom. 
9. Overuse of Marilyn Monroe Quotes/Tattoos - We get it. If he can't handle you at your worst, he sure as hell doesn't deserve you at your best. Original! While I agree with this quote made famous by Miz Monroe, its passe, ladies. You can quote me on that. 
10. "I don't drink beer" - Hi, college called. I said this often when I was a freshman in college because I preferred the taste of McCormick's mixed with Sprite. And probably because I wanted to seem more sophisticated than my immature 17-year old self. (I wasn't.) My palate shifted by my sophomore year to favor the taste of Miller Lite. Or Keystone Ice. Whichever was available. So now that I am a grown up, I find this excuse silly. As my girlfriend Jennifer put it, "No one says you have to do a keg stand, but you don't go to a Ranger game to drink martinis." Well said. 

SM

The Pros and Cons of Pinterest-ing

You guys. I am seriously Martha Stewart. Except twenty-plus years younger, with better hair, and significantly less green in my bank account. 

Coming soon to a kitchen near you - Dallas, 2011.

Other than that, I'm basically her. I cook, I bake, and now, thanks to Pinterest, I make crafty shit out of random things I find at Hobby Lobby and/or Michael's.  If you were born a female (or decided to swing that way later in life?) you know of the genius that is Pinterest - a virtual pinboard to get ideas for home decor, personal style, recipes, party planning, etc. Basically, the best thing to happen to me since I discovered whipped cream flavored vodka.

PROS

1. The potential to win over new friends/man friends: With all of these new recipes to drool over check out on a daily basis, all I can think about is who I can potentially make these treats for. I love to cook, but even more so (if I'm being completely honest) I LOVE when people tell me that what I make is really good. Who WOUDLN'T want to hang out with me? I'm also hilarious.
2. Giving me something to do other than cleaning/trolling the internet for funny videos/drinking: Today is championship Saturday for college football. Nebraska is not playing, (stupid Wisconsin) therefore, I don't care. Instead, I wasted used 3 hours to make a winter wine bottle craft and it is BEAUTIFUL.
3. Makes my apartment look like a grown up lives here: I literally just got rid of my COLLEGE furniture a few months ago. I mean, I graduated in 2003. Hello, adulthood called. Unlike many of my girlfriends, I lack a certain home decorating je ne sais quoi. Pinterest allows me to copy other people's ideas, yet still take credit for them. No one will ever know I plagiarized how to decorate my bathroom!
4. Makes Christmas shopping easy: Have a tough cousin to shop for? I don't because mine is top notch, but if you do, just check out her Pinterest. Chances are that she has "liked" about 1324981734 things. Take your pick!

CONS

1. Glitter EVERYWHERE: Said wine bottle project required some wood pieces with pre-attached glitter. As I was cutting down these wood pieces, glitter attacked my kitchen and, quite frankly, I'm scared to go back in there. As I lay on my loveseat typing this, I can see glitter reflecting off of the following: my hands, my loveseat, my phone, my leggings, and my dog.
2. Spray Paint problems: I've never used spray paint before. Also, I don't read directions. I'm fairly certain that the spray paint directions would have read "use outdoors or in a well-ventilated area and lay down drop cloths before usage." Instead, I got a nice little high and now I have white spray paint speckles all over my kitchen floor and stove, including a very distinct line from where I attempted to use a "drop cloth" (aka, a small trash bag.) Who knew that spray paint has that much of a reach?!
3. Bank account reduction: I have a love/hate relationship with Michael's. 50% off?! Its so CHEAP. I must have 15! Well... It was cheap until I bought EVERYTHING that was 50% off. I go in to purchase 6 wooden letters and walk out with six bags of legitimate crap that if I don't purchase this very instant, I might as well die.
4. Being judged for using Pinterest because you're not creative enough to come up with ideas on your own: Yes. I know people like this. What. A. Drag.

Happy weekend, darlings!

SM

The highlight of my day (so far)

Yesterday, I risked my life by venturing to the most ghetto Target in the entire country (CityPlace) to make two very specific purchases: Dunkin' Donuts Pumpkin Spice coffee for my Keurig and Target brand PEPPERMINT whipped cream in a can (DELISH). Together, this combination makes me the most impressive at-home barista this side of the Mississippi. All of this being said, the obvious question is: how am I still single?

If this were a football Saturday/Sunday, I would add a nice little pour of Rumplemintz to get the party started, however, I must go to my fab job and make all that green.

Trust me, people. Would I steer you wrong?

SM

Daily Rant

Let me preface by saying I'm SO GLAD the blog is back. Forgive me in advance - I've been typing in shouty caps lately and I'm not sure why. Perhaps the holidays make me extra aggressive? Oh well. Get over it. I get excited about ridiculousness and maybe you should too. And here we go...

I can NOT escape Maroon 5 or David Guetta these days and it irritates the crap out of me. Are these two artists the only ones singing anything these days? It's like Maroon 5 is "featured" in every song ever. Adam Levine - we get it. You're hot in a bad boy sort of way, you get tats to give you street cred, and you date a super smoking hot Victoria's Secret supermodel. High Five. But reminder : you're in that lame ass band Maroon 5. Sorry I'm not sorry, T. I know you love them. The only redeeming quality of Maroon 5 is that their guitar player is from Nebraska.  Also, Rihanna, I'M OVER YOU. If I have to hear that "we found love" (barf. a completely different story in itself.) song again I'm going to drive to the nearest cliff and Thelma and Louise my ass right off. This might be difficult, however, because I live in Dallas and cliffs are pret-ty non-existent around these parts.

IS IT JUST ME OR DOES JUSTIN BIEBER LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN?

heyyyy ladies...

SM