Things I hate with the fire of 10,000 suns

1. Sons of Anarchy is based in a fictional town called "Charming" - How am I supposed to take your gangster/biker club seriously in a place called Charming? I automatically think of Disney, obviously, and it doesn't get more opposite of gangster than Disney.
2. The words "penetrate," "pleasure," and "moist" - Especially the combination of two or a horrible trifecta. Seriously. I might throw up.
3. Onions. Except for onion rings  - I don't understand it.
4. When you call someone, they don't answer, but text you right back. - Unless you are in a loud location, there is no excuse for this. Shadiness is probably occurring and I'm probably not happy with you at this point.
5. Fake lines at bars -  Pub Fiction makes people wait to give the illusion of being crowded and super-busy, meanwhile there are 17 people inside and the bartenders are playing Angry Birds just to keep busy. Just let me in, already. I NEED a vodka water, muddled cucumber, por favor!
6. Texas football and the color burnt orange - I'm sorry, my Texas loves, but you know this about me. This goes back to being tormented as a child at my Houston elementary school. I was the girl who loved Nebraska, obviously, and I stuck out in a big way. Sorry about our 5 national titles, jealous 6th grader longhorns.
7. Jason Derulo - Is it the way he announces his name before his songs start? Or the fact that he sampled the song from Beetlejuice? So many reasons to choose from.
8. People who use grammar incorrectly - I have an English minor and if you don't know the differences between your/you're and their/there/they're, then I see no reason to continue our friendship.
9. The rubber shoes that look like gloves for your feet - I mean... seriously? This is supposed to help you run faster? I'm not training for the Olympics here, but get real. You look ridiculous and I can't take you seriously as an athlete. Or as a human being.
10. Stupid spellings for common names - I know, I know. Your child IS different and special - seriously. But when you do this, parents, it makes your child just like everyone else. Haidyn, Madisyn, Mychal. Le sigh.
11. The way that I figuratively kiss the ass of the police officer who just pulled me over. And who I spent the last 2.7 minutes silently cursing - Please don't give me a ticket. Please don't give me a ticket. (repeat)
12. When people can't hear me on their cell phone when I can clearly hear them - I have an irrationally short fuse if this happens. I realize it's not the person on the other end of the line's fault, yet I get so incredibly aggravated when I'm trying to tell a hilarious story and all I can hear from you is "hello? can you hear me? hello...?". Forget it.
13. The fact that Steve Carell never got an Emmy for portraying Michael Scott -Shame on you, television. Big Bang Theory? PLEASE.
14. When I start to tell a joke/hilarious story and I forget the punchline/completely lose my train of thought - It was going to be really good!! I promise!!
15. People who don't "bless me" when I sneeze - My parents raised me right! Manners matter, people.
16. The Wobble - I tried to google this phenomenon and it looks like a bunch of people just shaking in place and kind of spinning in a circle. How literal! My friends know that I HATE line dances with a passion. Anything that repetitive can NOT be fun.
17. Affliction/Ed Hardy - Nothing screams "i live with my parents" quite like a juiced-up dude sporting a bedazzled dragon t-shirt and chin-strap facial hair. See also: Patio Bar or Lemon Bar.
18. Cabs that "don't take credit cards" - BS. Yes you do. I have a college degree. I'm not stupid. I know you're going to first, overcharge me and second, pocket my cash. Plus, you have a sticker on your window that says you accept them. JERK.
19. Being ignored - I'm a grown up (sort of) and nothing irritates me more than being ignored. Hi, I'm a person with feelings and would appreciate a little consideration. If I reach out to you, once, twice, a thousand times, please respond and at least acknowledge my presence. Good day!
20. CD/DVD packaging - I paid $20 bucks for this copy of Bridesmaids and now I have to go through some sort of family challenge to get the damn thing out? Cellophane, sticker, another sticker. I should have Redbox-ed it.
21. Checking my voicemail - The only reason I "check my voicemail" is to get rid of the icon in the top left corner of my Evo. Technically, I'm not even "checking." I'm deleting.
22. Shopping for clothes - If you hate me and/or want to make me suffer for whatever reason, make me go try on clothes for a few hours. I can't think of a worse way to spend an afternoon.
23. The new Facebook layout - Google Plus? Is that you working with the Zuck to get everyone to leave trusty Facebook to jump onto your social networking platform? Seems to be working, as every single status today is about how they hate the new Facebook. Who decides what constitutes an "important" story, anyway? OBAMA?!
24. Maternity photos - Is it just me? I'm a female (shocker) yet I get uncomfortable looking at 9-month-old pregnant bellies. Also, the word "belly" makes me uncomfortable.
25. When guys say "cumming" instead of "coming" - My ex used to do this all the time to get a rise out of me. Gross, gentlemen. Just stop. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING! You are not clever.

xo,

S