Reasons why Dallas > NYC

I just got back from a trip to New York to visit a girlfriend for her mini-bachelorette party before the super fancy black-tie wedding this summer in Omaha. (side note: currently seeking date to said black tie wedding. requirements: must look good in tux, killer dance moves, likes to party) We had a good time catching up and drinking too many martinis/eating too much pizza. I met a guy from Dallas in a pizza shop at 3:40am and was awoken by bagpipes 4 hours later. Only in NYC, I suppose.

pretty pretty. 

Here are my conclusions:

1. People are assholes - No one is nice. The only person who was nice to me while I was in town was the super fun gay at Michael Kors on Madison Avenue. Well, at first he hated me because I knocked over an entire display of sunglasses, but because I used my cat-like reflexes and caught them all, he began to warm up to me. Also because I'm sure he got some sort of commission off of my purchase. 
2. It smells. BAD - Sewage, BO, trash - yum! I thought I was going to barf when we were wandering through the Guggenheim and this horrible un-showered scent was lingering in the air. GROSS. 
3. No one speaks English - Maybe 6 people speak English. They were the ones following us through times square asking us if we like comedy shows, to which I told them "I hate laughing."
4. Trash EVERYWHERE - Its literally everywhere. This contributes to reason number 2. 
5. Being forced to check your jacket for a price. - True story. My girlfriend was forced to check her jacket in for $1. She told him she would just wear it and he wouldn't let her. Unreal. Its not like she was wearing a parka, asshole. 
6. Parking/Cabs/Transportation - I don't carry cash. I especially don't carry cash in New York City for fear of being mugged, which is a completely different problem in itself. This makes it incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to catch a cab because 99.999% of them refuse to run a credit card. What cheapskates! I think the credit card companies charge, what, 2%? Also, I'm convinced that anyone with a car can be a "cab" in NYC. I got tricked into paying some guy in a black town car 45 bucks for a 9 minute ride. I'm an idiot. 
7. Questionable "art" exhibits - A giant piece of couch cushion wrapped with twine is NOT ART. I want my $18 bucks back, Guggenheim.  
8. Geography - You cant just go to the bar next door. There is no bar next door. Its probably a dry cleaner or XXX video store or something.
9. Terrible gay bars - In Dallas, girls are encouraged to go hit up the gay bars - they're fun! This usually comes with a showering of compliments and free drinks from a bunch of tan shirtless men who are into other tan shirtless men. In New York, every gay is cranky as shit. "Um, what are you girls doing here? Maybe you should go elsewhere.." That actually happened. 
10. Tourists. Everywhere. - This has got to be incredibly annoying to locals. You can't walk across the street without tripping over someone who was too busy Instagramming and holding up traffic. 

Positive Takeaways:

1. How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying - A+! Great show. I thought I was going to punch the French dipshit kid in front of me, though. He had just bought himself a New York Knicks flat bill hat (see previous blog for my opinions on flat bill hats) and took the stickers off and stuck them to the wall of the theater. His French dipshit parents laughed about it and talked at a normal level throughout the show. 
2. Cornerstone Bar - Fabulous suggestion, Clay and Sara. I don't even know where it is, but the bartender was hot and they had karaoke where they brought the microphone to your table! Brilliance. I almost got the mic taken from me during my excellent rendition of "Man in the Mirror," though, because I would start having full blown conversations with random people - in the mic - while I was supposed to be singing. Also, the karaoke mediator was off-the-boat IRISH. Accent... swoon. 
3. De Grazia - I think thats how you spell it. We were given a few dirty looks when we walked in because we were not members of the Italian mafia, but the food was awesome. Highly recommended from this Texan. 
4. Lack of douchebags - I don't think I saw a single Affliction shirt! They were hidden beneath the thousands of "I <3 NY" hoodies, I'm sure. 
5. Stoli Doli's - Yes, we have a Capital Grille in Dallas, but the Dallas location doesn't have a cubby for PATRICK BATEMAN. 

While I had a great time with my girlfriends, let's just say I'm in no rush to get back to the Big Apple. I'm sure we just went to the wrong places, did the wrong things etc.. but I'm good (for the time being) in my clean beautiful Uptown.

love.

xo,
SM